are you ready? I don't think you're ready.

I deliberated for two days before deciding I could show you the tie below. It took one year of ocular therapy to restore my full color vision after first seeing it, and three years of training at a Tibetan monastery to be able to withstand the color combination.

It's a little blurry, and not just for your safety. I tried several angles and distances before realizing that my poor old digital camera simply couldn't handle the shock.

I'm warning you: what you're about to see is potentially fatal to small children and the elderly. Avoid if you have a heart condition, are pregnant, or wish to enjoy the rainbow hues of life ever again.

Also, those really are hot dogs. Thank you, bro-in-law.

warped

Beneath the dishwasher the vinyl flooring has warped slightly from years of tiny leaks, the changes invisible in the moment but noticeable over time, the same mutability that Shelley described in his poem about the inevitability of cha--did I say flooring? This isn't flooring. It's a necktie. Had me fooled.

making the world a better place

One tie at a time.

shadow and substance

burn blue

The poor lighting doesn't do justice to the blazing blue and yellow stripes, sparking the imagination of passersby, inflaming a bonfire of possibilities.

That's enough for that metaphor.

the ugliest tie in the world

It's a bold claim, but I'm the sort of tie aficionado with the bad taste and the breadth of neckwear experience to make it.